Soulmate BLOG

What to do if Your Relationship is Becoming Unhealthy?

By Ms. Soulmate, on October 24th, 2009

What do you do if your relationship is becoming unhealthy? Well that really sounds like a no brainer question; most would say get the beeswings out, however it is not always as cut and dry. It depends on a few things to be honest. When you say unhealthy, just how unhealthy is the relationship? What is an unhealthy relationship? In addition, are the problems that are leading to the unhealthy relationship fixable? First, let us start with what makes for an unhealthy relationship.

Unhealthy Relationships

Here is the kicker about unhealthy relationships, if you are in one you are the last one to know even though your friends and family have been telling you continuously. You have shrugged it off as either they are jealous, or they haven’t taken the time to really get to know your partner, they only see the bad not the good, and a hundred other excuses until that day it hits you smack in the face. Even then you don’t necessarily except that what your friends and family have been telling you was true, you may even initially try to blame them for your relationship problems saying that if they would have only supported you more or was nicer to your partner and on and on.

Then the day comes and the realization sinks in, although in all reality you have seen it for quite sometime. You are in an unhealthy relationship. It is true that not all relationships are the same, loving and supporting, some are rockier then others but one thing that separates a rocky yet healthy relationship to an unhealthy relationship is the rocky relationship works through the rough patches and come out stronger each time. An unhealthy relationship nothing ever really is worked out completely, their may be a few band-aid fixes along the way but they never heal the wound.

You will know if you are in an unhealthy relationship if you can relate your current relationship with three or more of these statements:
I sometimes feel scared, frightened, anxious, tense when my partner is going to be arriving or around.
We never can agree on anything and I always just give in to save a argument.
We argue constantly over even the smallest things.
I feel smothered by my partner.
My partner does not trust me although I have never given reason to doubt my loyalty.
My partner lies to me constantly. I cannot trust my partner.
My partner shows no commitment to our relationship.
I am afraid to disagree or challenge my partner’s behavior.
I cannot communicate with my partner.
My partner watches my ever move and calls me continuously while I am away.
I am not an equal in my relationship.
My partner is always trying to change me. Why can’t he/she accept me for who I am?
My partner feels the need always to be one up on me. If I am sick he/she has been sicker, etc.
I am not allowed to visit with my friends/family. When I do, it always starts an argument.
My partner hits me. (Physical Abuse)
My partner demands sex even when I am not in the mood. (Sexual Abuse)
My partner belittles me, calls me names, tells me I am worthless, etc. (Emotional Abuse)
My partner makes fun of me, puts me down in public. (Social Abuse)
My partner does not let me have any control over the money I make or family finances. (Financial Abuse)
I make excuses for my partner’s behavior all the time.
My partner tells me he/she loves me but their behavior shows differently.
My partner gets mad when I spend time with the kids.
I have no privacy. My partner listens in on my phone conversations and opens my mail.
I cry and often feel depressed about my relationship.
My partner makes me feel dependent upon him/her.
When my partner does do things for me, I never hear the end of it. He/She makes me feel like I owe them for anything he/she does for me.
Nothing I can say, or do is right according to my partner. My opinions, accomplishments, or words are always devalued.
When I consider leaving, I get scared because I do not know how I would survive without him/her.
My family and friends do not like my partner.
I have made changes in my life for my partner that are not comfortable for me.
I do not have control over my own life anymore.
I do not feel good about myself any longer. (Lowered Self-Esteem)
It is my fault the relationship needs work, if only I would try harder things would be better.
I do not tell my friends and family everything that is going on in my relationship because they would not understand.
Sometimes my partner can be really sweet to me and the next minute mean.
When I try to break off our relationship my partner will start being really nice again then later go right back to the same behaviors.
When I try to break off our relationship my partner gets violent and threatening.
When I try to break off our relationship my partner threatens suicide.
I don’t remember the last time I felt truly happy for any extended period of time.

If you see yourself in the above statements, it is time to do a serious reevaluation of your relationship. Here are your options and there is not many.

You can choose to stay in the relationship and accept it at status quo knowing nothing is going to change and choose to make a conscious decision to accept it in its current status. This however is not a healthy choice or a wise one especially if there is physical violence and children involved. You need to ask yourself what you are really gaining from the relationship and is it worth what you are giving up. What do you lose by staying in the relationship? If children are involved, how does your relationship affect their well-being both physically and emotionally? What am I teaching my children through my relationship? Do the pros outweigh the cons?
Another option you have is to cut your losses and end the relationship. You know the pattern and with out any intervention the pattern will not change. If threats of suicide have been made, know that you are not responsible for their actions. It is understandable that you might feel that way but it is truly not the case. If threats are made, leave and call your local law enforcement and let them know that your partner has threatened harm to him or herself.
Your last option, which is sometimes a viable one if the relationship has notyet gotten to the point of no return and unhealthy signs are caught early, is you can try to make the relationship work. However, this will take both parties commitment and if that is one aspect of your relationship that is already unhealthy, more then likely you will not get a commitment to seek outside help together. You can always seek counseling to help strengthen yourself first, develop better relationship skills, learn to become more assertive, and gain more insight into why your partner may behave in the way they manner they do. Once you are stronger there is a chance you may see some change, but ultimately it will take both partners desire to make it work. If your partner is perfectly fine with things the way they are, this option will not work. Couples counseling is great and if you are just beginning to catch a few signs of an unhealthy relationship this is a good option for you if you want to save the relationship.

A healthy relationship is gained by having a healthy balance in each other’s lives from time, priorities, wants, needs, and space. There has to be an equal open communication where both parties feel like they are being heard. Both parties need to take the time to understand where the other is coming from, this does not mean you need to agree with their thoughts all of the time but agree to disagree healthy. You should feel like your own person where your values, opinions, thoughts, and words are valued.

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