Soulmate BLOG

The world of dating gets ten-folds harder when one or both of the partners have children.  You can count on problems.  It is inevitable.  Kids have idealistic dreams of their parents getting back together, especially if they are young, and that automatically makes you an outsider, to the point where your partner’s kids may hate you.  The first tip to dating someone with kids is expecting your partner’s kids to hate you even to the point of attempting and often succeeding in sabotaging the relationship.

The whole partner’s kids hating you can be increasingly worse if your partner is feeling guilt from the divorce or split from their kid(s) other parent.  The guilty feeling parent will do whatever it takes to make the child happy to ease some of that guilt, and if that means siding against the new partner even when they know their partner is in the right to make the child happy, they will do so.  In this situation, you may want to step back and decide if the relationship is worth the work to get through all the emotional baggage that comes with it.

If your partner wants to be the good parent/buddy with their child(ren) this can also lead to disaster.  The best friend parent does not instill boundaries and pretty much allows the child to make the rules.  Blending in this situation can be next to impossible.  This happens more so with parent that have part time custody of their child(ren) and one the days they have their kid(s) they are the fun parent.  They go and do all kinds of fun stuff that when they were still with the other parent they didn’t necessarily do.  Of course the kid(s) love when they go to this parents home because there are no rules, they get to eat what they want, when they want, no bed times, and they know all they have to do is make the slightest whimper and their wishes will be met.  When you as the partner comes into this situation, especially if you have children as well and you are cohabitating this can be disastrous if you have set rules for your children yet your partners kids are on a free for all.  Trying to blend this situation can be next to impossible and trying to instill any of your rules on to your partner’s children will be met with defiance and strong rebuttal.  Your children will begin to resent that your partners children get to do as they wish while they have to follow rules.  You will quickly become stressed when your partner does not try in the least to discipline or help maintain any order in the home.  You will find yourself counting down the hours before your partner’s children are returned to the other parents home.  Until that partner grows up, realizes that children need solid guidance, and rules, this type of relationship will never work and end in disaster and resentment.

There are ways to make relationships with a partner with children work, however they do take extra work and patience.  The biggest part is communicating exactly what each parenting style is and finding a common ground that both partners can live with.  This should be discussed way before cohabitating.  Discuss discipline, rules and expectations right down to children chores and bedtimes.  Know that your partner may never feel the same level of affection for your child(ren) as their own, however that doesn’t mean over time it can’t develop.  Take notice of how your partner interacts with their children during visitation times.  Are they the buddy?  Do they discipline when needed and is the discipline appropriate?  Ask yourself if you would feel comfortable leaving your child in the sole care of your partner.  If you have the least doubt about this, you should move on.

Yes, your partner’s kids may hate you but it does not need to be a life long event if both partners work together and make sure they still take the time to spend quality time alone.  If you are both on the same page, and on the same page meaning if ones child disrespects the other partner there is consistent intervention as well as if a child is caught doing something good the other partner recognizes and gives praise, eventually the child(ren) will soften up.  They may never be madly in love with you but at least they will learn to respect you.  You may want to consider couples counseling to get an outside view and direction in how to deal with the kids’ behaviors that are causing conflict if you want to save the relationship yet you both cannot seem to find common ground when it comes to the kids.  With dedication, patience, work, and a strong communication base, families can be blended with wonderful results.

Be Sociable, Share!

•