Soulmate BLOG

What to talk about before you move into together should be more like what you shouldn’t talk about before you move in together.  It would be a whole lot easier to cover.  Couples should talk about everything before they move in together; however, 9 out of 10 times nothing is discussed.  If you have ever lived with someone, you know how it goes down.  You have been dating for a while and then start spending the night at one another’s place.  Then it gets to be where one partner is spending the night at one persons place a bit more then the other partners place and one gradually starts bringing cloths over.  Next, the toiletries start to show up, and then next thing you know someone is moving dishes, pots and pans, and everything else but the kitchen sink in and hasn’t seen their place in a month.  Then the talk begins.  The whole conversation consists of a few mere words that goes something like this, “You know honey, there is really no sense in us both paying rent when we are always together anyhow”.  Bam, that is all that needs to be said and you are living together.  Discussion over, a few months down the road fights start to break out over every little thing that wasn’t bothered to be discussed prior to the merger.  Does that sound familiar?  I bet it does.

The sad part of it all is that more discussion goes into a decision to buy a dog then a life style change as serious as moving in with a boyfriend or girlfriend.  Yep, living together can be a great way to get to really know someone better then you think you already do, however, by not having a serious discussion about everything before hand can end what was once a promising relationship.  So exactly what all do you discuss.  Have you not been reading what I have written?  Everything needs to be discussed right down to bathroom habits.  Seriously, you may think your partner is the most hygienic person there is until you move in with them.  Trust this, while strictly dating they are primping before they see you.  When you all move in together, it is a completely new story.  The person you thought showered daily may only really shower a couple times a week, if that, and has been using cologne or perfume to mask the reality of it all.  So, when I say you need to discuss everything, I mean everything, not just the finances.

For those who need a break down of what needs to be discussed before making that life altering move here you go.

Commitment level: What are each other intentions and don’t take it for granted that just because you are moving in together that the next logical step is marriage.  Since when have relationships been logical?  If they were there would not be so many problems nor work involved in them.  Openly discuss what each other’s expectations are as far as commitment.

Location: Whose place are you going to merge?  Don’t assume that because you have been spending the night at one partners place more so then the others it is the logical choice.  One may pay lower rent however may not be able to hold combined belongings.

Possessions: What is coming and what has to go needs to be discussed.  Just because you do not care for your partners bed does not mean they do not like it.  That is where the next part comes in huge as well; compromise.

Compromise: Guess what?  There is going to come a day when that partner of yours whom you love so dearly does things that annoy the living daylights out of you.  Like the way they roll or don’t roll the toothpaste, or hang the toilet paper on the toilet paper holder, or how they leave dirty laundry laying around, or dirty dishes in the sink or on the nightstand and the list can go on forever.  You will have to put some serious thought into how willing you are to overlook certain annoying habits of your partner.  You need to discuss what things you can deal with and what things are deal breakers.  It isn’t even a bad thing to get in writing.  Partners can sometimes conveniently forget promises made.

Chores: Discuss all of them from who does the dishes, laundry, shopping, garbage, cleaning windows, scrubbing toilets, write them down, make a chart whatever it takes but discuss it and compromise.  This will probably be the hardest part of the whole move, well maybe other then money that we will get to yet.

Money: Who pays what and how much, who buys groceries, are you adjoining accounts?  What about dating now, will the male still pay for the “dates or outings”?  What about major purchases, if you go 50/50 on something, who gets possession of it if the relationship should end are even more questions that need to be discussed and another one that is best to get in writing.  Leave no stone unturned to come up later and trip you unexpectedly.  The break between financial responsibilities does not necessarily need to be even, it just needs to be discussed out in the open and clearly defined.

More Money: Those credit cards in your name are still your responsibility as is your car payment, your insurance, you doctor bills and anything else that is not home related.  That includes the big screen TV you bought before the merger.  Just because your partner is watching, it also does not mean they are responsible for the payments on it.  After all, if the relationship ends you know you will be talking it with you.  It would be like you being expected to pay your partners car payment.  These need to be discussed as well.  If you open joint banking accounts, buy a home or other large purchases together, take a credit card out in both names defined lines need to be made on who is responsible for what and in case of a break in the relationship who gets what and how things will be divided.  This is not very romantic, but a necessary safe guard for both parties.

Break up plan: This is another non-romantic discussion but a necessary one.  Much like a pre-nuptial, get stuff in writing, once it is done you may never have to look at it again if things work out amorously.  However if they do not that write up with signatures can save you from many headaches at an already stressful time.

If you are in a happy relationship, moving in together might seem like the next logical step however take the time to think about all the repercussions that could happen if you do not discuss things fully with your partner before making that big of a step.

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