Soulmate BLOG

This makes me start humming the song by Neil Sedaka, “Breaking Up Is Hard To Do” or “50 Ways to Leave Your Lover” by Paul Simon. So, I may be showing my age but it is true, breaking up is hard to do. No matter how many tips you have in how to break up with someone the right way it still doesn’t make it easy. Most of the time, instead of doing things the right way when it comes to calling it quits in a relationship, more people take one of Paul Simons’ ways out then the more relationship etiquette way because face it, it’s easier.

So, you may wonder at this point what is the right way to break up with someone. The biggest thing is you do it yourself. Do not send a friend in to do your dirty work. That is so junior high it is not even funny and we are adults and should act accordingly. However, let me makes something clear first. If you are in an abusive relationship and by confronting the person with your desire to call it quits can put you at risk of harm, throw breaking up etiquette out the window, and just get out. The other person will figure it out once you never come back and they do not deserve your words in the first place. Get a safe place to go and just go.

The proper breaking up etiquette rules flows as such:

• Do it yourself people, in person! You are a grown adult. Do not send a text, email or do it over the phone, no break up letters, no girlfriend or boyfriends messengers, no invasive tactics until they get a clue, do it in person.
• Pick a location that will be comfortable for both parties. If you think it is going to be an emotional break up, Starbucks might not be the place. However, if you still want it to be in public, just not so confined to where if there is a big crying scene you don’t look like a big mean jerk, try a park. There are still people around for safety reason (just in case) yet still at a distance that they are not ease dropping in on your conversation. Wherever you pick make sure it is conducive for conversation. The person you are dumping is bound to have questions as to why and they do deserve answers for closure and growth.
• Be considerate of the other person’s feelings. You have had a good idea you were going to break up with this person for some time now. You cannot expect them to just get it in a few minutes and be okay with everything. If they have questions, answer them honestly and to the best of your ability.
• Use tact and be respectful. At one time, you were head over heels for this person, so do not start in with the slams against their character. It does not say much for you if you do; after all, you dated them.
• Be honest about the reason you are breaking up with them. Treat them the way you would want to be treated if the role was reversed. For one thing lying will get you know where as the truth always has its way of revealing itself and later down the road you may have to deal with the consequence of your deceit. In addition, it gives the other person valuable insight that they can choose to make changes in their life if they see fit. It is hard to respect anyone who lies. They may not like what they hear but they have to respect the fact that you were honest with them. It gives them and you closure, a clean break with out having to respond to endless questions left unanswered in the other persons mind. Don’t give the typical break up line, “It was nothing you said or did, it’s me”. That is so weak and leaves the other person totally confused and frustrated. Shoot straight from the hip but use tact. If there is someone else, tell him or her there is. They are bound to find out anyhow. It saves you from having the feeling of hiding your new relationship and although the other person may be crushed, it is something tangible they will eventually grasp and work through.
• If you are not going to remain friends, and more then likely you are not, don’t tell the other person you will. That is another weak line and mean line used only for a feel better moment for you for what you are doing.
• Wish them the best in their life and mean it. Although you may have found out they are not the right one for you, does not mean they are not the right person for someone else.
• Don’t toy with your ex’s partners feelings after the break. You made the break so don’t be calling them when you’re bored or lonely talking about how you miss them to fill a void at the moment. Deal with it. You wanted it; allow them to move on with their life. That is just a cruel game.
• You broke up with the person so quit trying to find out what they are doing. Stay away, what they are doing with their life from the moment you broke up with them and on is their business. Do not try to sabotage new relationships they may try to engage in. If you cannot see your life without this person to the point of after breaking up with them they consume your mind, why did you break up? Stick to your decision.
• Second chances need to be evaluated with much care. Remember the reason you broke up with them in the first place and stick to it. Even if the person promises to make the necessary changes that led to the break up, they can make those changes in their life without you. If a year or so down the road, you see that your ex has made the changes and has stuck to them and you want to revisit the issue, then do so at that time only. When the ex approaches you with desires to “try again” just politely remind them that the relationship is over, you will always care about them but you have to move on with your life and wish them well. After that, do not take further emails, phone calls or any forms of communication from them. Break it clean if you have to block them on your email, phone, or break off connections with mutual friends if it becomes excessive.

Regardless if you are the person doing the breaking up, it can sometimes still be hard to get over the loss. Although they may have not been the right person for you there were qualities in them that you did find endearing. Unless you have moved on to someone new as the reason for making the break, there may be times you second guess your decision. You may start thinking about only the good times you had and feel remorse for them no longer being a part of your life. You may simply feel lonely. If that is the case, a few things you can do to help you get through the hard part are:

• Post a list of things or reasons why you made the break in the first place as constant reminders. Put it on your refrigerator, by your bed and in your bathroom. You might even want to put one in your car.
• Put anything that reminds you of the other away or get rid of it to where you cannot see it all the time. If the person bought you something like a refrigerator or a living room set, it may not be as easy to do. However, you can rearrange the living room and put a couple throws on the furniture to give it a different look. You can cover the refrigerator with feel good quotes and magnets, anything to help break the chain of thought.
• Get your feelings out in a journal. I cannot impress how important it is for everyone to keep an ongoing journal. In cases like this it is great for going back and recalling just the reasons why you made the break and exactly how the other person would make you feel. If you do not have one, start one. You only need a notebook. It doesn’t need to be anything fancy. You can start one on your computer. Just get your feelings out. When you go back later and read them, you will be surprised at how much the feelings can change.
• Stop the “I wish I wouldn’t have broken up” woes. As soon as you start thinking of them go and look at your list of reason why you did break it off. Smack yourself in the head if you have to, just stop the backwards thoughts, and move forward.
• Shut the stinking sad love songs off! They are the worse thing to listen to during this time, unless you just really enjoy sobbing until your eyes stay permanently shut from swelling.
• Many people say that the best thing for an old love is a new love, however if your not ready for a new love you are only bringing someone into your life that is eventually going to be hurt as well. It is called the rebound love. It is not fair to that person. It is almost like car jacking and then getting the car back all messed up. Do not start dating again until you can go weeks on end without thinking about your ex.

No, breaking up is never easy no matter how gentle you try to be. Feelings get hurt, there can be anger involved as well as many other emotions. Be honest, be respectful, and by all means, be tactful. It isn’t easy, but life isn’t always easy.